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Just Act Canadian
How Protect Yourself Overseas if Bush Whacks Iraq
There's a lot to
like about Canada and acting Canadian.
Attention all Americans planning to travel
abroad:
• Stock up on your Roots wardrobe.
• Place a Maple Leaf somewhere around your backpack.
• Drink Canadian beer whenever possible – Molson, Moosehead
and Labatt are generally available – and be able to speak eloquently
about your favorite microbrews (Upper Canada, Alexander Keiths and Kokanee
are common favorites). Be sure and frequently insult American beer as
"crappy." (Canadian joke: What does making love and American
beer have in common? Answer: They are both *%@# near water.)
• Know something about hockey (Tip: High sticking is not the same
as "high-fiving" and the answer to just about every trivia
question is Wayne Gretzky.)
• Pronounce words containing an "o" as if the word "boat"
is included. Example: "a-boat."
• Carry, listen to and learn the songs for two Tragically
Hip CDs and at least one from the Barenaked Ladies ("Gordon"
is the best of the latter).
• Learn at least one verse to "Oh Canada."
Why, you ask? Simple. Now that President Bush has gone ahead and whacked
Iraq, then it will be essential for Americans who are overseas on travel
adventures to distance themselves from their own country. The reason
is that Americans will be targeted not only potentially by terrorists
but also fellow travelers and locals.
They will be sneered at, ignored and verbally attacked. Even though
you may vehemently oppose Bush's actions, you will be scorned by others
because going to war will add to the perception that America is a big
bully trying to force its will on the rest of the world.
It was a huge issue this past summer in Europe because of Afghanistan.
And that was a justified and necessary conflct. It has the potential
to be even bigger in the controversial confrontation with Iraq. This
is the consequence everyday Americans, backpackers, college students,
even business travelers will face in the face of United States military
action.
Another major issue – especially for those of us who spend quite
a bit of our travel time pubclubbing – is that Americans looking
to hook up with foreign hotties are likely not to succeed. You won't
be able to get past the political backlash. Imagine the person of your
evening dreams running off with some less-than-dashing Spaniard, Brit
or German instead of a good 'ol Yank just because our President wants
to settle a score with an evil idiot. Yes, this could affect our sex
lives!
The best way to avoid all this agony and frustration is simply to act
as if you are a Canadian.
Why Canadian? Because Canadians are close to Americans in terms of
looks and language. They make love, not war. They are as harmless as
a smilie :–).
To make for a convincing cover, learn everything you can about Canada
and Canadians. Pick a city to pretend where you live. Personally, I'm
going for Toronto. But you can be a ski bum from Whistler, too. Or a
tree-hugger from Vancouver.
Know something about the Calgary Stampede. (Tip: It's a big party involving
lots of good Canadian beer. In fact, just about everything in Canada
is a big party involving lots of good Canadian beer.) Brag about the
CN Tower (a big needle pointing out of the Toronto skyline) being the
World's Tallest Building and free-standing structure. And, get this:
There is a Canadian Thanksgiving!
Roots is the Official Wardrobe of all Canadians. It was actually founded
by a pair of American draft dodgers and while I don't necessarily like
to support anyone who ran while others fought in Vietnam, it's absolutely
critical to pull off this deception.
But there's more. To help, here's everything we've written about Canada
and it's cities. Read every word and absorb every bit of it:
• Toronto
Bar & City Guide
•
Vancouver Bar & City Guide
•
Whistler Bar & City Guide
• The Bartender:
Am I Canadian?
Sounds like a good idea, eh?
The Bartender can be reached at bartender@pubclub.com
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