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To Party With
A President
• Note: This archived column was written just after the
2000 Presidental Election
While the political parties fight it
out over whether it will be George Bush or Al Gore who prevails in the
most embarrassing election in American history, it's time for partiers
everywhere to consider which candidate is best for the fun folks and
what social impact the future Prez will have on us and the world as
a whole.
At first glance, it would appear to be Gore in a landslide. Sure, the
guy's a geek and he's stiffer than a Long Island Tea at Mickey Mantle's
in New York, but he's had eight years under Bill Clinton. That's like
getting hitting instructions from Ted Williams. Saxophone lessons from
David Sanborne. Sex tips from Madonna.
He's got a wife named Tipper, and if that's not a tip-off to good cheer
then I don't know my margarita from a martini.
But I demand a recount!
George Bush spent years patrolling the bars in Houston passing himself
off as a fighter pilot. (In reality, he was in the Air National Guard,
which is like saying you are the starting quarterback for the Super
Bowl champions when in fact you are the guy with the clipboard.) He's
one of us, a man who knows his way around a cocktail glass the way Rick
Mears knows his way around Indy. He's probably been turned down by more
flight attendants than most of us will ever meet.
The frightening thing about Bush is that he claims not to have had
a drink in something like 15 years. I would almost prefer a president
who boozes it up every night over someone who completely shuns the stuff.
Especially a person who once so obviously enjoyed it earlier in life.
If Bush is elected and continues his Puritan ways, it could have a
profound effect on America's foreign policy. What happens when he's
entertaining dignitaries and they call for a champagne toast to celebrate
a new arms treaty or peace in the Middle East? Is this country's position
of power threatened because he's drinking Diet Coke instead of Dom?
If he's not throwing down a few drinks to settle some international
issue with a foreign leader man-to-man, how will this affect his ability
negotiate with the next Boris Yelsten? I'm only half-kidding here. Think
about it for a minute.
Our government has a rich tradition of utilizing alcohol as a tool
of diplomacy. Think Ben Franklin ever passed up a drink? FDR used to
plot the defeat of Germany over drinks with Churchill who, it must be
noted, often began his mornings with a stiff one.
Furthermore, since Bush no longer tips the glass, how does he look
at those of us who do? Would tobacco-type legislation be forthcoming
for alcohol companies?
Given his history, it's highly unlikely. After all, you can't change
the spots on a leopard.
You can, however, be in the White House and have a party. Let's hope
that whomever is finally elected continues this great American tradition.
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