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Mr. Sorehead
Things That Bug Me About Travel, Restaurants and Bars
Normally, I'm as placid as a paradise
lagoon, as mellow as a margarita.
I pretty much take things in stride, try and avoid or altogether ignore
anything not to my liking and steer as clear as possible of negative
situations and attitudes.
But every now and then I encounter things that really set me mentally
on fire. It could be the way people act in certain places and circumstances.
Or the design of a product that shows no reasonable thought process
by the designer or manufacturer. In particular, I hate inefficiency,
bad attitudes and clueless people in public.
So here it is, a rundown of everything that bugs the hell out of me
when it comes to the things I do the most – traveling visiting
bars and encountering people in public places. For this column at least,
label me Mr. Sorehead.
AIRPORT, AIRPLANES AND AIRLINES
• Air travel is the most inefficient means of getting
from one place to another. Just to catch a plane - even in the pre-911
era – one has to arrive an hour or so early, go stand in one line
to get a ticket, another to get to the plane and yet another to get
on the plane. Then its sit still for 30-45 minutes waiting to leave
while the pilot drives around the tarmac like it's a shopping mall parking
lot to reach takeoff position. Upon arriving, it's pretty much all done
again in reverse. That's a half-dozen steps to get from Point A to Point
B. But biggest airport inefficiency by far are the security checkpoints.
Surely, with the brainpower available in the world today, someone or
some company could develop a system for streamlining this process without
compromising safety – say, some type of human x-ray that could
scan people and our luggage at the same time (even illuminating suspect
items) enabling us to walk through without being separated from our
carry-ons.
• Put someone in charge of security who knows what the heck
they are doing. Cutting off access points and hearding people into
ridiculously long lines. Confiscating tweezers. Having people remove
belts, shoes, watches and emptying pockets. Constant ID checks. Dumb
warning signs (I actually saw one showing that traveling with gas cans
is illegal). Only ticketed passengers to the gates. Hey, I know the
goal is to protect travelers, but it would be much better if someone
were to be put in charge of all airport security who actually knew what
they were doing. Here are some suggestions:
#1 – Travelers should have the option of applying for a
special ID card, one containing personal information, travel itinerary
and history, occupation, bomb-making skills, etc. Only people who are
approved with a clean record could be issued this card. We would then
have a special area where we would swipe our card – updating our
profile along the way – as we glide through the new-and-improved
bag-screening checkpoint (see above). If the card swipe detects a recent
deviance or oddity, such as an arrest or a sudden flurry of flights
– then the person is pulled over and questioned.
#2 – Properly train staff to identify potential troublemakers.
Any reasonably savvy individual can pick out supect individuals if they
just pay attention. The intentions of these troublemakers can often
be identified with personality profiles by simple observation –
their look, actions and a few other "intangibles" as they
say in the sports world. In fact, here's an example from the sports
world: Those two idiots who attacked a baseball umpire in Chicago could
have been spotted and controlled had stadium security noticed them earlier
and kept an eye on them from the start.
#3 – Create a security presense at airports.
Have police patrol the curbside, check-in counters and even gate areas.
Hire big, beefy guys to walk around in black SECURITY shirts. Install
prominent security cameras. In other words, make it known to potential
scoundrels that they are being watched.
#4 – Take the security out of the hands of the airlines. Don't
have gate agents spend their (and our) time asking those silly three
questions and checking IDs. They should, however, alert security of
odd or suspicious individuals and be given training in how to spot them.
Oh, and this thing about pilots carrying handguns? Who came up with
that idea – Archie Bunker?
• Hire Vegas casino security companies to handle airport
security. They know how to spot troublemakers, have "eyes in
the sky," complex databases and great coordination and teamwork
from one casino to another. It's really a clear-cut solution.
• Airlines are using 911 to treat their customers like crap.
The airlines are all filing Chapter 11, begging the government for bailouts
and crying bad economics, yet they are biting the very hands that are
feeding them – their customers. The attitudes of the employees
after 911 is terrible, often just plan rude. As passengers, we're always
too late, our bags are too big, we don't move along fast enough, are
always in the wrong place, etc. We're being talked down to, and if the
airline screws up and we miss a connection, well it's OUR fault, it's
OUR problem and is OUR responsibility. BUNK! The only airlines that
seem to treat its customers like human beings, the only ones with employees
who smile and which offer flexible flight change rules are the discount
carries. And guess what – they are always full and are turning
profits. Will the other airlines ever get it?
• Why are there no clocks in airports? Airlines have bizarre
time departures – 3:03, 10:57 and so forth – and berate you
for being even a minute late, yet it's amazing how few airports contain
clocks. What if MY watch says I'm on time and the agent's has a different
time? The only place with less clocks than airports are Las Vegas casinos.
• Why, when there are empty seats all around on a flight, the
airlines always seem to squish you into the same crowded rows? This
makes no sense to me. One would think it would be much better for customer
comfort to place people scattered about the plane rather than have them
loaded into the same confined space while elsewhere, entire rows are
vacant.
• The World's Worst Airport is San Jose, CA. It's the size
of a Caribbean outpost – which I like – but instead of being
the gateway to a tropical paradise it's a major West Coast business
destination and is a dumpy disaster. There are few facilities –
often just one mediocre food stand and no newspaper stand past security
– and getting in and out of the place is a nightmare. Plus, the
people who work there (food, security, you name it) flat-out don't want
to be there and you know it. I challenge you to find even one smile
on anyone in that airport.
• The Worst Airline Web Site is www.AA.com.
I'm only including the link so you can share in my frustration. The
page appears to load quickly, but suddenly goes into a stall, hijacking
my computer for several minutes while it, well, I don't know what it
does. On top of that, navigation is poor and just try and print out
a boarding pass! That being said, I did manage to find a flight and
a fare unavailable anywhere else, though it took more than half-hour
to get through the process.
• Delta and United have a ridiculously small amount of legroom.
I thought the sardine factories in Monterey, CA, shut down years ago.
Well, they're back and guess what – we're the bait! Now, I'm just
a tuna can short of 6 feet but I barely have enough room cross my legs.
And that's only if I don't put papers or magazines in the seat pocket.
What are we, passengers or processed goods?
• Overhead stowage is woefully inadequate. Unless you're
among the first to board a plane, finding a spot in the overhead bin
is 50/50 at best. What, airline engineers can put these birds in the
air but can't design a cabin capable of containing the customers' carry-ons?
Give me a break. Making them deeper would be a good start.
• Waiting on the tarmac for a gate to clear is just plain dumb.
Let's see, we're in the air for hours, the airline obviously knows we're
coming, then after landing we have to wait for a parking spot? Why can't
airlines anticipate these things and move us to another gate? I've waited
20 minutes – and yes, missed connections – by this incredible
lack of forward thinking.
• I hate all those useless announcements on flights. Can
we just limit these annoyances to 2-3 instead of dozens of them coming
at us like commercials during an NFL playoff game? I personally don't
care about the flight path we're taking or if the flight attendants
need to "get ready for a cross-check," nor to I need to be
told 12 times to "place my tray table and seatback in the upright
and locked position." Worse of all, flight attendants are now doing
airline advertisements. Eliminate these things altogether by passing
out instructional flyers during taxing. Announcements should be saved
for important or informative things, like if we're going to be late
or we have a problem. I do, however, enjoy the pilot occasionally pointing
out major landmarks or interesting facts about places we pass.
• I want to listen to my iPod on takeoff and landings.
Why do I have to turn off my tunes on takeoffs and landings? This is
annoying and serves no purpose. "Most accidents occur during these
times and we want your full attention," my flight attendant friend
explained. And hey, if we're having problems believe me, you'll have
my full attention! But on obvious routine landings, let me listen to
my island sounds. Not allowing rap music, well that I would support.
• Drinks in coach on international flights should always be
free! Some US airlines have started charging for cocktails on overseas
trips. Geez, what's next – renting the blankets and pillows? Don't
expect to see me on any of those airlines on overseas trips.
HOTELS
• More outlets! I have a computer, cell phone charger,
digital camera battery charger and need to plug in the iron, yet finding
enough electrical outlets is like trying to locate that last beer at
a party. Having power strips in every room would easily eliminate this
annoying headache.
• They advertise views but the desk is always facing a wall.
The second thing I do when getting to a room – after figuring
out how to overcome the absurd lack of outlets – is to rearrange
the furniture so the desk looks out over the window. There's a nice
view but I've got to stare at a wall when writing a story or checking
e-mail? This is another thing that makes no sense to me. And yes, I
move it all back before I check out.
• $20 for parking!? It's not enough that we pay super-high
rates for downtown hotels in major cities, but we also get socked with
daily parking prices of $20, $25 or even $30!? Hey, WE'RE THE GUESTS!
• Scented shampoo stinks. What would possess a hotel –
upscale ones seem to be the worst offenders – to put scented hair
products in the rooms? I don't like going out for an appointment or
out to dinner or a bar with my hair smelling like strawberries. To counter,
I'm forced to travel with the my own shampoo (trial-size bottles).
BARS AND NIGHTCLUBS
• Bars should administer IQ tests instead of checking IDs.
I know some perfectly well-behaved 18-year-olds who can handle alcohol.
Then again, I've seen people in their 30s, 40s and even 50s want to
pick fights every time they take a swig. Getting into bars should not
be based on age but rather intelligence. Instead of IDs, we should be
made to carry IQ cards; those prone to pick fights and get violent would
not be allowed in the bars regardless of age. Period.
• Creating queues to appear to be popular is arrogant.
I hate lines to begin with, but to artificially create them just to
appear to be the "in" spot puts a bad taste in my mouth about
a place. Keep this in mind, bar managers and owners, because it's unlikely
we'll give it a good review – if at all.
• Attention toilet designers: Create a place for men to put
their drink when we use the stall! Gee, it would seem to be the
most basic of design elements. People in public places – particularly
bars – have to do good 'ol Number One and we often take our drinks
with us (hey, there can be a long wait or we might meet someone along
the way). Yet to do so creates the issue of what to do with said drink
while relieving oneself. Often, it's a high-wire balancing act, the
glass or bottle teetering on the top of the metal flushing devise or
placed on the side where there's the chance that some unwanted drip
will find its way into the drink. In Greece, hardly a forward-thinking
nation, they've had the brains to put ridges at the top of the flushing
mechanism; this securely holds bottles, cans, glasses and cups in place.
At the very least, bar owners, please install a shelf! The same should
apply to port-o-lets, by the way. What is the possible point of the
plastic area next to the seat and the toliet paper holder being sloped?
Do the people who design some of the things in the world actually ever
use them??
• Cigars Stink. One of these smelly sticks can stink up
a whole bar. They should not be allowed except in special cigar bars.
• Memo to restaurants: Don't hire soft-speaking waiters.
"And today's specials are..." WHAT!? Speak up! Most do it
for effect, anyway, using that old business control ploy to make you
lean in so he's in charge. I just go for what's on the menu. Then never
go back to the restaurant.
• Too bar owners – primarily in the USA – are cheap
and don't hire enough bartenders. It's part of capitalism, I suppose,
to constantly think about profits, but shouldn't customer satisfaction
be in the mix somewhere? In the States, it's not uncommon to wait 15
minutes to be served at a crowded bar. Employing just one more bartender
would increase drink pouring efficiency, increase sales. And all for
the cost of what, 10 bucks an hour. Bartenders survive on tips, not
salary.
• People who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom
are gross. How is it that some grown people, whom society says is
intelligent enough to handle alcohol, don't wash their hands after using
the bathroom? This the first thing we learn about personal hygiene,
yet a few choose to ignore it. Just imagine what else they skip in this
area (actually, I'd rather not). I always note these mental midgets
and are sure to avoid shaking their hand or high-fiving if we're at
or watching a sporting event.
• People stopping in high-traffic areas should be poked until
they move out of the way. They come off airplane concourses, escalators
and elevators into crowded areas and then, well, just stop. It's clueless
behavior, I tell you!
• Americans are satisfied with crappy beer. What people
want to drink is up to them. Where I have a problem is when it limits
my choices. Restaurants and bars understandably only stock the stuff
that sells and with Americans obviously oblivious to good-tasting brew
I often get stuck with the same crappy choices. Now, if people would
upgrate their tastes, then I would be able to enjoy better beer on a
more regular basis.
BIG FINISH
Well, that should do it for the rest of the year. Thanks for letting
me vent. Now let's all relax with a grande margarita.
The Bartender can be reached at bartender@pubclub.com
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