Girlfriend Needs To Drop Manipulating BF
By Ask The Man, PubClub.com’s Life Coach Blogger For Women
Dear Ask The Man: Every time I try and do something with friends, especially if it’s with a guy friend, my boyfriend (who lives in another state) sends me bursts of dozens of texts, many of them insulting and saying I’m not paying attention to him. When I text him back, sometimes he doesn’t respond, which makes me even more antsy. One time he blocked me and deleted me as a Facebook friend and told me never to call or text him again. Then he sent me a dozen texts in a row, at 4 a.m., all criticizing me.
This makes me cry and I’ve had group dinner parties interrupted and ruined because I’m always responding to him and once even left a really good trip because he demanded I leave.
Some of my friends think I’m in a mentally abusive relationship with him but I can’t help it. What shall I do; what CAN I do? Thank you!
Ask The Man: You ARE in a mentally abusive relationship. You need to get out of it, and immediately. Mentally-abusive relationships are as bad as physically abusive ones (both are bad) and will eventually wear and tear you down to the point you are unable to make any decision or do anything without his consent.
I’ve seen this before, where a guy knocks down a girl by insulting or challenging her (in your case, by saying you’re not paying attention to him, despite the fact you’re responding to all his texts), which only draws you in closer to him because you don’t want to upset him. This is a dangerous spiral from which some cannot ever escape.
These people’s methods are all the same. I think they must have a newsletter or something. They are trying (in many cases, quite successfully) to control every aspect of your life and emotions. They know your weak points, they know exactly when you are at your most vulnerable moments and then, like a shark stalking a seal, they move in for the kill at precisely the right moment.
The more you respond to him – the more you panic and bow to him – the more controlling he becomes, and the more you will suffer these emotional pain.
To get out of an abusive relationship, you must do the following:
• Get confidence. The reason he’s able to get away with this in the first place is that you lack confidence and are unsure of yourself. He knows this and he preys upon it. So stand up tall, look in the mirror, and tell yourself you’re a better woman than he is a man.
• Stand up to him. He will likely go into a rage to try and break you down but you must stand firm. Be confident. And don’t crumble. These people pray on the weak; you must remain strong.
• If he sends you barrages of texts challenging and insulting you, then simply don’t respond. You need to seize control of the situation.
• Don’t tell him when you’re going out with friends. The primary element the mentally abusive person has over you is control. When you’re out with a group of friends without him, he does not have that control. In the case of the person in this blog post, he would barrage her with texts to distract her from her friends – take control of her – often causing her to disengage with her friends or even leave and go back home. He does this because he knows some savvy person in that group is likely tell her she’s being manipulated and he wants to keep her away from those people. Again, it’s all about control.
• If the boyfriend sends several texts or messages telling you never to call or text him again, then don’t! It’s as simple as that – go hang out with your friends. If you ignore him, he will get even more desperate to control you and by you’re not responding, he knows he’s losing his grip on you. This puts you in a position of strength.
• End the relationship. I happen to know the girl who asked the question in this post and each time she cries and complains, she keeps going back to him. He wins. Until she gets confidence and stands up to him, he will continue to mentally abuse her. What he wants is control. What she needs to do it break it off, once and for all, and then ignore all his abusive texts and calls.
Eventually, the abusive person will go away and then he will go pray upon another victim.
Ask The Man is a blog that provides the answers girls want to hear from a man’s perspective. It is written by a Southern Gentleman life coach who lives in Los Angeles. Learn more about the man behind Ask The Man by clicking this link here.